Unstable

Here it is. 3:33 am. I can't fall asleep. I have been lying here in my bed, tossing and turning. My thoughts won't settle. A scripture in institute has been in the fore-front of my mind and it won't release hold of my attentions.

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8

As I reflect on my current circumstance, I can't help but see this.

There are two things I want out of life: to love and to be loved. I keep preventing both of these. Friendships eventually evolve and blossom both but as I see this step in the relationship coming, I put on the brakes and it all comes to a screeching halt.

Why? What would cause me to prevent the very thing I want most?

The answer to that is its complete opposite - what scares me the most - being rejected. I live in fear of the day that I dare open my heart to someone only to have them put up their hand in refusal and walk away.

3:53

I don't know if anything has come of the past twenty minutes. But I hope it is the turning point in a downward spiraling chain of events.

I know that there must needs be opposition in all things and that we must taste the bitter so we can appreciate the sweet. If that is the case, then I will fully appreciate whatever the opposite of this fear is.