Unstable

Here it is. 3:33 am. I can't fall asleep. I have been lying here in my bed, tossing and turning. My thoughts won't settle. A scripture in institute has been in the fore-front of my mind and it won't release hold of my attentions.

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8

As I reflect on my current circumstance, I can't help but see this.

There are two things I want out of life: to love and to be loved. I keep preventing both of these. Friendships eventually evolve and blossom both but as I see this step in the relationship coming, I put on the brakes and it all comes to a screeching halt.

Why? What would cause me to prevent the very thing I want most?

The answer to that is its complete opposite - what scares me the most - being rejected. I live in fear of the day that I dare open my heart to someone only to have them put up their hand in refusal and walk away.

3:53

I don't know if anything has come of the past twenty minutes. But I hope it is the turning point in a downward spiraling chain of events.

I know that there must needs be opposition in all things and that we must taste the bitter so we can appreciate the sweet. If that is the case, then I will fully appreciate whatever the opposite of this fear is.

New Moon

I saw girl butt for the first time today. I was in my prep period today and five girls came it to chat about the musical I am the choreographer for. On the way out, something sparked one student to show the other student her butt. Don't understand it but I was caught in the line of sight. I was shocked - stunned - I am sure I turned bright red. After talking with her teacher, we decided it would be a good idea for me to talk with the vice principal about the incident. So I did. He called her down. I didn't want to be there when she came. Discipline isn't my forte. I disappeared in the attendance office for a minute or two. When I thought the coast was clear, I made my way back through the main office. But my timing was off - she was there. She was in a chair outside of the vice-principal's office bawling her eyes out. I felt horrible. Its six hours later and its still eating me up inside. Being a part of all that hurt she felt is hard for me to swallow. If I could, I'd rather not tell anyone about the incident to save her all the hardship. But that's not right. I hate that what I did is better for her. I hate that I had to be a part of her learning the hard way. I hate that I felt like being a single male teacher means I couldn't put my arm around her shoulder after the whole experience. But that's another rant for another day. Today, I just have to cope with the fact that the right thing hurts sometimes. (Even in writing that I find myself asking why)

New Jobs

I have another job! In addition to substituting, tutoring and teaching ballroom dance, I will be teaching 7th grade science and 9th grade Biology! Hurray! The hire letter just got cleared today and I am going over tomorrow to sign the contract.

So if my schedule wasn't crazy before, it certainly is now. I am tutoring 4 days a week - I have two ballroom dance classes I am teaching - I will be an official teacher every other day - substituting when I am available (the next one is an all day french gig) - I have choir on two nights a week - and I am teaching Sunday School almost every week. No wonder I haven't blogged in a year!

But here's the deal - I know I have already graduated so its kinda a little late to be thinking about this kinda thing but I want to change majors. :) That's not completely true. I just keep questioning my choices. What do I want to do for the rest of my life? I honestly don't think it will be teaching. But if it isn't, then why am I not doing what I want to be doing.

That's the true problem - I don't know what I want. I was talking to my aunt yesterday about this and she basically told me that those people who find a career that they love are the lucky ones. Everyone else just puts up with it so that they have freedom (or finances) to do the other things that they want. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't like the idea of spending 8 hours a day doing something you dread. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day.

I can't settle down. I can't choose just one thing. I can't be content doing the same thing everyday. I can't stand that I am 26 and I have this feeling like this is as good as it gets - its all less exciting from here on out.

Any career suggestions that meet these requirements?