Unstable

Here it is. 3:33 am. I can't fall asleep. I have been lying here in my bed, tossing and turning. My thoughts won't settle. A scripture in institute has been in the fore-front of my mind and it won't release hold of my attentions.

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8

As I reflect on my current circumstance, I can't help but see this.

There are two things I want out of life: to love and to be loved. I keep preventing both of these. Friendships eventually evolve and blossom both but as I see this step in the relationship coming, I put on the brakes and it all comes to a screeching halt.

Why? What would cause me to prevent the very thing I want most?

The answer to that is its complete opposite - what scares me the most - being rejected. I live in fear of the day that I dare open my heart to someone only to have them put up their hand in refusal and walk away.

3:53

I don't know if anything has come of the past twenty minutes. But I hope it is the turning point in a downward spiraling chain of events.

I know that there must needs be opposition in all things and that we must taste the bitter so we can appreciate the sweet. If that is the case, then I will fully appreciate whatever the opposite of this fear is.

New Moon

I saw girl butt for the first time today. I was in my prep period today and five girls came it to chat about the musical I am the choreographer for. On the way out, something sparked one student to show the other student her butt. Don't understand it but I was caught in the line of sight. I was shocked - stunned - I am sure I turned bright red. After talking with her teacher, we decided it would be a good idea for me to talk with the vice principal about the incident. So I did. He called her down. I didn't want to be there when she came. Discipline isn't my forte. I disappeared in the attendance office for a minute or two. When I thought the coast was clear, I made my way back through the main office. But my timing was off - she was there. She was in a chair outside of the vice-principal's office bawling her eyes out. I felt horrible. Its six hours later and its still eating me up inside. Being a part of all that hurt she felt is hard for me to swallow. If I could, I'd rather not tell anyone about the incident to save her all the hardship. But that's not right. I hate that what I did is better for her. I hate that I had to be a part of her learning the hard way. I hate that I felt like being a single male teacher means I couldn't put my arm around her shoulder after the whole experience. But that's another rant for another day. Today, I just have to cope with the fact that the right thing hurts sometimes. (Even in writing that I find myself asking why)

New Jobs

I have another job! In addition to substituting, tutoring and teaching ballroom dance, I will be teaching 7th grade science and 9th grade Biology! Hurray! The hire letter just got cleared today and I am going over tomorrow to sign the contract.

So if my schedule wasn't crazy before, it certainly is now. I am tutoring 4 days a week - I have two ballroom dance classes I am teaching - I will be an official teacher every other day - substituting when I am available (the next one is an all day french gig) - I have choir on two nights a week - and I am teaching Sunday School almost every week. No wonder I haven't blogged in a year!

But here's the deal - I know I have already graduated so its kinda a little late to be thinking about this kinda thing but I want to change majors. :) That's not completely true. I just keep questioning my choices. What do I want to do for the rest of my life? I honestly don't think it will be teaching. But if it isn't, then why am I not doing what I want to be doing.

That's the true problem - I don't know what I want. I was talking to my aunt yesterday about this and she basically told me that those people who find a career that they love are the lucky ones. Everyone else just puts up with it so that they have freedom (or finances) to do the other things that they want. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't like the idea of spending 8 hours a day doing something you dread. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day.

I can't settle down. I can't choose just one thing. I can't be content doing the same thing everyday. I can't stand that I am 26 and I have this feeling like this is as good as it gets - its all less exciting from here on out.

Any career suggestions that meet these requirements?

Addicted to Dance

BYU had their Ballroom Dance Concert this weekend. All those who know that I was very involved in their program asked me if I attended. I didn't go. I couldn't stand to. Ever since I had to leave Provo and get more involved in the career of my choosing, I have been lieing to myself about how much I miss it. I thought I would be fine without it for a little while - until I had my job down and a year of teaching under my belt - then I might pick it up again for fun.

But recently I have become aware of how much not dancing is weighing on me. I am now to the point where I can't fall asleep and end up watching video after video of professional dancers or clips of "So You Think You Can Dance" on youtube. It keeps me up until ungodly hours. I was awake last night until 2:30 am. Tonight I went to bed at 10:00 pm and here I am still wide awake 3 hours later aching to be dancing.

Dance Insomnia - my new disease.

Today at church, one of my friends told me about some classes up in Salt Lake that she is going to this summer. She invited me to come along and I can't wait. I have already looked up all the specifics online and it looks like the classes are already going. I've toyed with the idea of going this week! And now Thursday seem like forever away. The day I get old and gray and have to stop dancing with be the saddest day of my life.

The End of an Era

Tomorrow is my last day student teaching. It is going to be hard to say goodbye. I have come to know and love so many of my student is such a short period of time. It kinda scares me - if I am this emotional leaving students I have only known for two and a half months, what am I going to be like with students I've had all year.

I can't help it but my heart just aches for them. They are going to be facing so many adventures and I hope they are up to the task. They are all so brilliant but I would just like to see them make better choices.

From all the interviews I had yesterday, I realized one of the goals I have as a teacher - I want every one of my students to leave my classroom a better person. Science is great and important to learn but that isn't the main thing I want them to get from being in my class. I want them to achieve a sense of hope, of excitement, of understanding and of wisdom. I want their eyes to be opened to the many opportunities that they have at their fingertips. I want them to have to foresight to know where their current actions are leading them.

In science experiments, we always have a control - a sample where we keep everything the same. But then we have other samples where we change one thing - and only one thing - to make it different from the control and see what difference that one thing makes.

To all my students out there, look at how you are doing. If you do the same thing, you will keep getting the same results. Change one thing. Just one. See what a difference it makes. Sometimes it will be beneficial; other times it won't. Figure out what is best - for you. That is how you change your life - and the world for that matter - one thing at a time. Go out and achieve your full potential - because your potential is truly amazing.

To the Cartwrights

I have a lot to think about. This post isn't about how I can help others but about how others have helped me. I was able to talk with some people tonight that have exactly what I want for myself. It was such a great opportunity for me to see where they have come from and how they got what they have. I have been working towards this goal but it can easily seem overwhelming. Talking with them helped me to allay many fears and doubts that have been welling up in my mind. It is so nice to see that my goal is actually obtainable - I can do it because it has been done before.

So my question of how can I help people may have been answered tonight in a way. Instead of my original intention of questioning ways to help others with "howdoyouhelp.blogspot.com," it became how do you help influence my life for the better. How do you help? You have given me something that I could not give myself - a vision of hope. And you need all the hope you can get with my goal because obtaining it often means wading through the depths of despair.

I can't thank you enough. :)

Jason

So I had a really good friend in high school who is no longer talking to me - and I don't know why. Soon after high school, he revealed to me that he has depression. I was supportive and felt honored that he could confide in me with such details about his personal life. We continued to be good friends for the next couple of months. At which point, we both left our hometown and decided to sign up for two years to go do service on missions outside the country. We got assigned to different places but still kept in touch. Part way through my mission, I found out that my friend had decided to give it up and go home - for reasons I am still unclear about. This is the point where he cut off all communication with me. When I finished my service, I came home to find out he had moved away. I talked with his parent and got his phone number. He answered once but when I invited him to go hang out with some mutual friends, he said he wasn't up to it. He never answered my phone calls again. I have found him on facebook and tried to add him as a friend. I have been to his parent's house asking for his address. I have tried instant messenger. I have tried everything I can think of to try and get through to him. It has been 4 years now since we have stopped talking. I still think of him and hope everything is okay. Is there anything more I could try? or should I just give up on my lost friend?